29.97
Good evening, sir.
- Is dinner ready? I'm famished. - Immediately, sir.
Good evening, Professor Higgins.
"When she mentioned how her aunt bit off the spoon
"She completely done me in
"And my heart went on a journey to the moon
"When she told about her father and the gin
"And I never saw a more enchanting farce
"Than the moment when she shouted 'Move your bloomin'..."'
- Yes, sir? - Is Miss Doolittle in?
Whom shall I say is calling?
Freddy Eynsford-Hill. If she doesn't remember who I am...
...tell her I'm the chap who was "sniggering" at her.
Yes, sir.
And will you give her these?
Wouldn't you like to come in?
They're having dinner, but you may wait in the hall.
No, thank you. I want to drink in the street where she lives.
"I have often walked down this street before
"But the pavement always stayed beneath my feet before
"All at once am I several stories high
"Knowing I'm on the street where you live
"Are there lilac trees in the heart of town?
"Can you hear a lark in any other part of town?
"Does enchantment pour out of every door?
"No, it's just on the street where you live
"And, oh, the towering feeling
"Just to know somehow you are near
"The overpowering feeling
"That any second you may suddenly appear
"People stop and stare, they don't bother me
"For there's nowhere else on earth that I would rather be
"Let the time go by
"I won't care if I
"Can be here on the street where you live"
I'm terribly sorry, sir.
Miss Doolittle says she doesn't want to see anyone ever again.
But why? She was unbelievable.
So I've been told, sir. Is there any further message?
Tell her that I'll wait.
But it might be days, sir, even weeks.
But don't you see? I'll be happier here.
"People stop and stare, they don't bother me
"For there's nowhere else on earth that I would rather be
"Let the time go by
"I won't care if I
"Can be here on the street where you live"
It really is, Higgins. It's inhuman to continue.
Do you realize what you've got to teach this girl in six weeks?
You've got to teach her to walk, talk, address a duke, a lord...
...a bishop, an ambassador. It's absolutely impossible.
Higgins, I'm trying to tell you that I want to call off the bet.
I know you're a stubborn man, but so am I.
This experiment is over.
And nothing short of an order from the king could force me to recant.
You understand, Higgins? It's over.
Higgins, if there's any mishap at the Embassy tonight...
...if Miss Doolittle suffers any embarrassment...
...it'll be on your head alone.
Eliza can do anything.
Suppose she's discovered? Remember Ascot.
Suppose she makes another ghastly mistake?
There'll be no horses at the ball, Pickering.
Think of how agonizing it would be.
If anything happened tonight, I don't know what I'd do.
You could always rejoin your regiment.
This is no time for flippancy, Higgins.
The way you've driven her the last six weeks...
...has exceeded all bounds of common decency.
For God's sake, stop pacing. Can't you settle somewhere?
Have some port. It'll quieten your nerves.
I'm not nervous.
- Where is it? - On the piano.
The car's here, sir.
Good. Tell Miss Doolittle.
Tell Miss Doolittle indeed. I'll bet you that damned gown doesn't fit.
I warned you about these French designers.
We should've gone to an English shop. They would've been on our side.
- Have a glass of port? - No, thank you.
Are you so sure this girl will retain everything you've hammered into her?
Well, we shall see.
Suppose she doesn't?
I lose my bet.
There's one thing I can't stand about you, your confounded complacency.
At a moment like this, with so much at stake...
...it's utterly indecent that you don't need a glass of port.
And what about the girl? You act as though she doesn't matter at all.
Rubbish, Pickering. Of course she matters.
What do you think I've been doing all these months?
What could possibly matter more than to take a human being...
...and change her into a different human being by creating a new speech for her?
It's filling up the deepest gap that separates class from class...
...and soul from soul.
Oh, she matters immensely.
Miss Doolittle, you look beautiful.
Thank you, Colonel Pickering.
Don't you think so, Higgins?
Not bad. Not bad at all.
Maestro! Maestro!
Don't you remember me?
No. Who the devil are you?
I'm your pupil. Your first, your greatest, your best pupil.
I'm Zoltan Karpathy, that marvelous boy.
I made your name famous throughout Europe.
You teach me phonetics. You can't forget me.
Why don't you have your hair cut?
I don't have your imposing appearance, your figure, your brow.
If I had my hair cut, nobody would notice me.
Where did you get these old coins?
These are decorations for languages.
The Queen of Transylvania is here.
I'm indispensable to her at these official international parties.
I speak 32 languages. I know everyone in Europe.
No imposter can escape my detection.
Professor Karpathy.
The Greek ambassador.
Greek, my foot!
He pretends not to know English, but he can't deceive me.
He's the son of a Yorkshire watchmaker.
He speaks English so villainously that he cannot utter a word...
...without betraying his origin.
I help him pretend, but make him pay through the nose. I make them all pay.
Excuse me, sir, you are wanted upstairs. Her Excellency asked for you.
Viscount and Viscountess Saxon.
Baron and Baroness of Yorkshire.
Sir Guy and Lady Scot-Auckland.
The Count and Countess Demereau.
The Viscount and Viscountess Hillyard.
Mr. And Mrs. Richard Lanser.
Lord and Lady Clanders.
Miss Eliza Doolittle, Colonel Pickering.
Miss Eliza Doolittle. Colonel Pickering.
Professor Higgins.
- Your Excellency. - Miss Doolittle.
How do you do?
- Good evening, Colonel. - Good evening.
What an enchanting young lady you have with you this evening.
Well, who is she?
Oh, a cousin of mine. And Higgins. Excuse me.
Professor Higgins.
Such a faraway look, as if she's always lived in a garden.
So she has. A sort of garden.
Henry must take Eliza home at once. There's a language expert here.
- Sort of, you know, "imposterologist." - I beg you pardon?
The young lady with Colonel Pickering...
Find out who she is.
With pleasure.
The whole situation is highly explosive.
Tell me, Zoltan, some more about the Greek ambassador.
Gladly, but first I would love you to present me to this glorious creature.
Does he really come from Yorkshire?
Her Majesty, the Queen of Transylvania...
...and His Royal Highness Prince Gregor.
Charming. Quite charming.
Miss Doolittle, Madam.
Miss Doolittle, my son would like to dance with you.
Absolutely fantastic.
A lot of tomfoolery.
It was an immense achievement.
Well, Mr. Higgins?
A triumph, Mrs. Pearce. A total triumph.
Higgins, you were superb, absolutely superb.
Tell us the truth now, weren't you a little bit nervous once or twice?
Not during the whole evening?
Not when I saw we were going to win.
I felt like a bear in a cage hanging about.
It was an immense achievement.
If I hadn't backed myself to do it, I'd have given up two months ago.
Absolutely fantastic.
Yes, a lot of tomfoolery.
Higgins, I salute you.
The silly people don't know their own silly business.
"Tonight, old man, you did it You did it, you did it
"You said that you would do it And indeed you did
"I thought that you would rue it I doubted you'd do it
"But now I must admit it That succeed you did
"You should get a medal Or be even made a knight
"Oh, it was nothing, really nothing
"All alone you hurdled Every obstacle in sight
"Now wait, now wait Give credit where it's due
"A lot of the glory goes to you
"But you're the one who did it Who did it, who did it
"As sturdy as Gibraltar Not a second did you falter
"There's no doubt about it
"You did it!
"I must have aged a year tonight At times I thought I'd die of fright
"Never was there a momentary lull
"Shortly after we came in I saw at once we'd easily win
"And after that I found it deadly dull
"You should have heard The 'oohs' and 'aahs'
"Everyone wondering who she was
"You'd think they'd never seen a lady before
"And when the Prince of Transylvania Asked to meet her
"And gave his arm to lead her to the floor
"I said to him: 'You did it You did it, you did it'
"They thought she was ecstatic And so damned aristocratic
"And they never knew That you...
"...did it"
Thank goodness for Zoltan Karpathy.
If it hadn't been for him I would've died of boredom.
Karpathy? That dreadful Hungarian? Was he there?
Yes, he was there all right and up to his old tricks.
"That blackguard Who uses the science of speech
"More to blackmail and swindle than teach
"He made it the devilish business of his
"To find out who this Miss Doolittle is
"Every time we looked around There he was
"That hairy hound from Budapest
"Never leaving us alone Never have I ever known
"A ruder pest
"Finally I decided it was foolish Not to let him have his chance with her
"So I stepped aside And let him dance with her
"Oozing charm from every pore He oiled his way around the floor
"Every trick that he could play He used to strip her mask away
"And when at last the dance was done He glowed as if he knew he'd won
"And with a voice too eager And a smile too broad
"He announced to the hostess That she was a fraud"
No!
"'Her English is too good,' he said 'That clearly indicates that she is foreign
"'Whereas others are instructed In their native language
"'English people aren't
"'Although she may have studied with an expert dialectician and grammarian
"'I can tell that she was born
"'Hungarian'
"Not only Hungarian but of royal blood
"She is a princess
"'Her blood,' he said 'ls bluer than the Danube is or ever was
"'Royalty is absolutely written on her face
"'She thought I was taken in But actually I never was
"'How could she deceive Another member of her race?
"'I know each language on the map' Said he
"'And she's Hungarian As the first "Hungarian Rhapsody"'
"Congratulations, Professor Higgins
"For your glorious victory
"Congratulations, Professor Higgins
"You'll be mentioned in history"
Well, thank God, that's over.
Now I can go to bed without dreading tomorrow.
- Good night, Mr. Higgins. - Good night, Mrs. Pearce.
I think I'll turn in, too. Good night. It's been a great occasion.
Good night, Pickering.
Mrs. Pearce?
Damn, I meant to ask her to give me coffee in the morning instead of tea.
Leave a little note for her will you, Eliza. And put out the lights.
Must be downstairs. Oh, darn it.
I'll leave my head behind one of these days.
What the devil have I done with my slippers?
Here are your slippers!
Take your slippers and may you never have a day's luck with them.
What on earth? What's the matter?
Is anything wrong?
No, nothing's wrong with you. I won your bet for you, haven't I?
That's enough for you! I don't matter, I suppose?
You won my bet? You presumptuous insect! I won it!
Why did you throw the slippers at me?
Because I wanted to smash your face. I could kill you, you selfish brute!
Why didn't you leave me where you picked me up?
You thank God it's all over. Now you can throw me back again! Do you?
Oh, so the creature's nervous after all?
Claws in, you cat! How dare you show your temper to me?
Sit down and be quiet!
What's to become of me?
How do I know what's to become of you?
What does it matter?
You don't care. I know you don't care.
You wouldn't care if I was dead. I'm nothing to you.
Not as much as them slippers.
Those slippers!
Those slippers! I didn't think it meant any difference now.
Why have you suddenly begun going on like this?
May I ask if you complain of your treatment here?
No.
Has anybody behaved badly? Colonel Pickering, Mrs. Pearce?
No.
Well you don't pretend that I have treated you badly?
No.
Well, I'm glad to hear that.
Perhaps you're tired after the strain of the day.
Would you have a chocolate?
No, thank you.
Well, it's only natural that you should be anxious, but it's all over now.
Nothing more to worry about.
No, nothing more for you to worry about.
Oh, God, I wish I was dead.
Why? In heaven's name, why?
Now listen to me, Eliza. All this irritation is purely subjective.
I don't understand. I'm too ignorant.
It's just imagination. Nothing's wrong. Nobody's hurting you.
Go to bed and sleep it off.
Have a little cry and say your prayers. You'll feel very much more comfortable.
I heard your prayers.
"Thank God it's all over."
Don't you thank God it's all over?
Now you're free, and you can do what you like.
Oh, what am I fit for? What have you left me fit for?
Where am I to go? What am I to do?
And what's to become of me?
That's what's worrying you, is it?
I wouldn't worry about that if I were you.
I'm sure you won't have any difficulty in settling yourself somewhere or other.
I didn't quite realize you were going away.
You might marry, you know.
You see, Eliza, all men are not confirmed old bachelors like me and the Colonel.
Most men are the marrying sort, poor devils.
You're not bad-looking.
You're really quite a pleasure to look at sometimes.
Not now, when you've been crying.
You look like the very devil, but...
...when you're all right and quite yourself you're what I would call attractive.
Go to bed, have a good rest, get up in the morning...
...and have a look at yourself in the glass. You won't feel so bad.
I daresay, my mother might find some fellow or other who would do very well.
We were above that at Covent Garden.
What do you mean?
I sold flowers, I didn't sell myself.
Now you've made a lady of me, I'm not fit to sell anything else.
Oh, tosh, Eliza. Don't insult human relations...
...by dragging all that cant about buying and selling into it.
Don't marry the fellow if you don't want to.
What else am I to do?
Oh, there are lots of things.
What about the old idea of a florist shop?
I'm sure Pickering'd set you up in one. He's got lots of money.
He'll pay for all those togs you're wearing.
And that with the hire of the jewelry'll make a big hole in 200 pounds.
Come on now. You'll be all right.
Well, I must be off to bed. I'm really devilish sleepy.
I was looking for something. What was it?
Your slippers.
Oh, yes, of course. You shied them at me.
Before you go, sir.
Do my clothes belong to me or to Colonel Pickering?
What the devil use would they be to Pickering?
Why bother about that in the middle of the night?
What may I take away with me?
I don't want to be accused of stealing.
Stealing?
You shouldn't have said that. That shows a want of feeling.
I'm sorry. I'm a common, ignorant girl and in my station I have to be careful.
There can't be any feelings between the likes of you and the likes of me.
Please, will you tell me what belongs to me and what doesn't?
Take the whole damned houseful if you want.
Except the jewelry. That's hired. Will that satisfy you?
Stop, please.
Will you take these to your room and keep them safe?
I don't want to run the risk of them being missed.
Hand them over! If these belonged to me and not the jeweler, I'd...
...l'd ram them down your ungrateful throat.
The ring isn't the jeweler's. It's the one you bought me in Brighton.
I don't want it now.
Don't you hit me!
Hit you? You infamous creature! How dare you suggest such a thing!
It's you who've hit me. You've wounded me to the heart.
I'm glad. I've got a little of my own back anyhow.
You've caused me to lose my temper. That's hardly happened to me before.
I don't wish to discuss it further tonight. I'm going to bed.
Leave your own note for Mrs. Pearce about the coffee...
...for it won't be done by me!
Damn Mrs. Pearce, damn the coffee and damn you!
Damn my own folly for having lavished my hard-earned knowledge...
...and the treasure of my regard and intimacy on a heartless guttersnipe!
"Just you wait, 'Enry 'lggins Just you wait!
"You'll be sorry But your tears will be too late
"You will be the one it's done to
"And you'll have no one to run to
"Just you wait"
"I have often walked down this street before
"But the pavement always stayed beneath my feet before
"All at once am I several stories high
"Knowing I'm on the street where you live
"Are there lilac trees in the heart of town?
"Can you hear a lark in any other part of town?
"Does enchantment pour out of every door?
"No, it's just on the street where you live
"And, oh, the towering feeling
"Just to know somehow you are near
"The overpowering feeling
"That any second you may suddenly appear
"People stop and stare, they don't..."
Darling.
Freddy, whatever are you doing here?
Nothing. I spend most of my nights here. It's the only place where I'm happy.
Don't laugh at me, Miss Doolittle.
Don't you call me "Miss Doolittle," do you hear? Eliza's good enough for me.
Freddy, you don't think I'm a heartless guttersnipe, do you?
Darling, how could you imagine such a thing? You know how I feel.
I've written two and three times a day telling you. Sheets and sheets.
"Speak, and the world is full of singing
"And I am winging higher than the birds
"Touch, and my heart begins to crumble
"The heavens tumble Darling, and I'm..."
"Words, words, words I'm so sick of words
"I get words all day through First from him, now from you
"Is that all you blighters can do?
"Don't talk of stars burning above
"If you're in love, show me
"Tell me no dreams filled with desire
"If you're on fire, show me
"Here we are together In the middle of the night
"Don't talk of spring Just hold me tight
"Anyone who's ever been in love'll Tell you that
"This is no time for a chat
"Haven't your lips longed for my touch?
"Don't say how much, show me
"Show me
"Don't talk of love lasting through time
"Make me no undying vow
"Show me now
"Sing me no song, read me no rhyme
"Don't waste my time, show me
"Don't talk of June, don't talk of fall
"Don't talk at all, show me
"Never do I ever want to hear another word
"There isn't one I haven't heard
"Here we are together in what ought to be a dream
"Say one more word and I'll scream
"Haven't your arms hungered for mine?
"Please don't explain, show me
"Show me
"Don't wait until wrinkles and lines
"Pop out all over my brow
"Show me now!"
- Where are you going? - To the river.
- What for? - To make a hole in it.
Eliza, darling, what do you mean?
Taxi!
- But I've no money. - I have.
- Where are we going? - Where I belong.
Darling, shall I come with you?
"With one enormous chair
"Oh, wouldn't it be loverly?
"Lots of chocolate for me to eat
"Lots of coal makin' lots of 'eat
"Warm face, warm 'ands, warm feet
"Oh, wouldn't it be loverly?"
Buy a flower, miss?
Yes, please.
Good morning, miss. Can I help you?
Do you mind if I warm my hands?
Go right ahead, miss.
Excuse me. For a second I thought you were somebody else.
Who?
Forgive me, ma'am. Early morning light playing tricks with my eyes.
Can I get you a taxi? A lady shouldn't be walkin' alone...
...around London this hour of the morning.
No, thank you.
"Someone's head restin' on my knee
"Warm and tender as he can be
"Who takes good care of me
"Oh, wouldn't it...
"...be loverly?
"Loverly"
Do come again, Mr. Doolittle. We value your patronage always.
Thank you, my good man. Thank you. Here. Come 'ere.
Take the missus on a trip to Brighton with my compliments.
Thank you, Mr. Doolittle.
Jolly spot this, Harry. We must visit it more often.
Father?
Oh, no. You see, Harry, he has no mercy.
Sent her down to spy on me in me misery, he did. Me own flesh and blood.
Well, I'm miserable, all right. You can tell him that straight.
What are you talking about? What are you dressed up for?
As if you didn't know.
Go on back to that Wimpole Street devil. Tell him what he's done to me.
What's he done to you?
Ruined me, that's all.
Tied me up and delivered me into the hands of middle-class morality.
And don't you defend him.
Was it 'im or was it not 'im wrote to an old American blighter named Wallingford...
...who was giving $5,000,000 to found Moral Reform societies...
...to tell him the most original moralist in England was Mr. Alfred P. Doolittle...
...a common dustman?
Sounds like one of his jokes.
You may call it a joke. It's put the lid on me. Proper.
The old bloke died and left me 4,000 pounds a year in his bloomin' will.
Who asked him to make a gentleman outta me? I was 'appy. I was free.
I touched pretty nigh everyone for money when I wanted it, same as I touched him.
Now I'm tied neck and 'eels and everybody touches me.
A year ago I 'adn't a relation in the world...
...except one or two who wouldn't speak to me.
Now I've 50. Not a decent week's wages amongst the lot of them.
I have to live for others now, not for meself. Middle-class morality.
Come on, Alfie, in a few hours we have to be at the church.
- Church? - Yeah, church.
The deepest cut of all.
Why do you think I'm dressed up like a ruddy pallbearer?
Your stepmother wants to marry me.
Now I'm respectable, she wants to be respectable.
If that's the way you feel, why don't you give the money back?
That's the tragedy of it, Eliza.
It's easy to say chuck it...
...but I 'aven't the nerve.
We're all intimidated. That's what we are, intimidated.
Bought up. Yeah. That's what I am.
That's what your precious professor's brought me to.
Not my precious professor.
Oh, sent you back, 'as he?
First he shoves me in the middle-class, then he chucks you out for me to support.
That's all part of his plan...
...but you double-cross him.
Don't you come back home to me. Don't you take tuppence from me.
You stand on your own two feet. You're a lady now, you can do it.
Yeah, that's right, Eliza. You're a lady now.
It's getting awfully cold in that taxi.
Here, Eliza, would you like to come and see me turned off this morning?
St. George's, Hanover Square, 10:00.
I wouldn't advise it, but you're welcome.
No, thank you, Dad.
Are you all finished here, Eliza?
Yes, Freddy, I'm all finished here.
Good luck, Dad.
Thank you, Eliza.
Come along, Alfie.
How much time have I got left?
"There's just a few more hours
"That's all the time you've got
"A few more hours
"Before they tie the knot"
There's drinks and girls all over London.
And I gotta track 'em down in just a few more hours.
Set 'em up, me darlin'.
"I'm gettin' married in the mornin'
"Ding dong, the bells are gonna chime
"Pull out the stopper Let's have a whopper
"But get me to the church on time
"I got to be there in the mornin'
"Spruced up and looking in me prime
"Girls, come and kiss me Show how you'll miss me
"But get me to the church on time
"If I am dancin' Roll up the floor
"If I am whistlin' Me out the door
"For I'm getting married in the mornin'
"Ding dong, the bells are gonna chime
"Kick up a rumpus But don't lose the compass
"And get me to the church
"For God's sake Get me to the church...
"...on time
"I'm gettin' married in the mornin'
"Ding dong, the bells are gonna chime
"Some bloke who's able Lift up the table
"But get me to the church on time
"If I am flyin' Then shoot me down
"If I am wooin' Get her out of town
"For I'm getting married in the mornin'
"Ding dong, the bells are gonna chime
"Feather and tar me Call out the Army
"But get me to the church
"Get me to the church
"For God's sake Get me to the church...
"...on time
"He's gettin' married in the mornin'
"Ding dong, the bells are gonna chime
"Come on, pull out the stopper Let's have a whopper
"But get me to the church on time
"He's got to be there in the mornin'
"Spruced up and lookin' in his prime
"Girls, come and kiss me Show how you'll miss me
"But get me to the church on time
"If I am dancin' Roll up the floor
"If I am whistlin' Me out the door
"Drug me or jail me Stamp me and mail me
"But get me to the church
"Get him to the church
"For God's sake Get me to the church on time
"Girls come and kiss him Show how they miss him
"But get him to the church on time
"Kick up a rumpus But don't lose the compass
"And get him to the church on time
"If I am flyin' Then shoot me down
"If I am wooin' Get her out of town
"He's gettin' married in the mornin'
"Ding dong, the bells are gonna chime
"Some bloke who's able Lift up the table
"But get me to the church on time
"Starlight is reelin' Home to bed now
"Mornin' is smearin' up the sky
"London is wakin'
"Daylight is breakin'
"Good luck, old chum
"Good health
"Goodbye
"I'm gettin' married in the mornin'
"Ding dong, the bells are gonna chime
"Hail and salute me Then haul off and boot me
"But get him to the church Get him to the church
"For God's sake Get him to the church...
"...on time"
Didn't she say where to send her clothes?
I told you, sir, she took them all with her.
Here's a confounded thing. Eliza's bolted.
Last night Mrs. Pearce let her go without telling me about it!
What'll I do? I got tea this morning instead of coffee.
I don't know where anything is, what my appointments are.
- Eliza'd know. - Damn it, she's gone!
Did either of you frighten her last night?
We hardly said a word to her. You were there.
Did you bully her after I went to bed?
She threw the slippers at me.
I never gave her the slightest provocation.
The slippers came at my head before I uttered a word.
She used the most disgraceful language. I was shocked! I don't understand.
We always gave her every consideration. She admitted it.
I'm dashed!
Pickering, for God's sake, stop being dashed and do something!
Phone the police. What are they there for?
You can't give Eliza's name to the police...
...as if she were a thief or a lost umbrella.
But why not? I want to find the girl.
She belongs to me. I paid five pounds for her.
Quite right. Hello. Scotland Yard, please?
Get me some coffee, would you please?
Scotland Yard?
This is Colonel Pickering speaking.
27 A Wimpole Street.
I want to report a missing person.
Miss Eliza Doolittle.
About 21.
I should say about 5 foot 7.
Her eyes? Let me think now. Her eyes...
- Brown. - Brown.
Her hair? Good Lord. Sort of a nondescript neutral sort of...
Brown, brown, brown!
You heard what he said? Brown, brown, brown, yes.
No. This is her residence. 27 A...
Yes, about between 3:00 and 4:00 this morning, I understand.
No... She's no relation, no.
Well, let's call her a good friend, shall we?
I beg your pardon?
Listen to me, I don't like the tenor of that question.
What the girl does here is our affair.
Your affair is to get her back so she can continue doing it.
Well, I'm dashed!
"What in heaven could have prompted her to go?
"After such a triumph at the ball
"What could have depressed her?
"What could have possessed her? I cannot understand the wretch at all"
Higgins, I have an old school chum at the Home Office. Perhaps he could help.
Think I'll give him a ring.
Whitehall: 7244, please.
"Women are irrational That's all there is to that
"Their heads are full of Cotton, hay and rags
"They're nothing but exasperating Irritating, vacillating, calculating
"Agitating, maddening And infuriating hags"
I want to speak to Mr. Brewster Budgin, please.
Yes, I'll wait.
Pickering, why can't a woman be more like a man?
I beg your pardon?
Yes, why can't a woman be more like a man?
"Men are so honest, so thoroughly square
"Eternally noble, historically fair
"Who, when you win Will always give your back a pat?
"Why can't a woman be like that?
"Why does every one do What the others do?
"Can't a woman learn to use her head?
"Why do they do everything Their mothers do?
"Why don't they grow up Well, like their father instead?
"Why can't a woman take after a man?
"Men are so pleasant, so easy to please
"Whenever you're with them You're always at ease
"Would you be slighted If I didn't speak for hours?
"Would you be livid If I had a drink or two?
"Would you be wounded If I never sent you flowers?
"Well, why can't a woman be like you?
"One man in a million may shout a bit
"Now and then There's one with slight defects
"One perhaps whose truthfulness You doubt a bit
"But by and large We are a marvelous sex
"Why can't a woman take after a man?
"Cause men are so friendly Good-natured and kind
"A better companion You never will find
"If I were hours late for dinner Would you bellow?
"If I forgot your silly birthday Would you fuss?
"Would you complain If I took out another fellow?
"Well, why can't a woman be like us?"
Is Mr. Brewster Budgin there?
Bruzzie, you'll never guess who this is.
You're quite right, it is. Good heavens. By George, what a memory.
How are you, Bruzzie? Nice to hear your voice.
What? You don't say. Has it really been 30 years, Bruzzie?
Right. Yes, oceans of water.
Listen, Bruzzie, I'll tell you why I rang up.
Something rather unpleasant has happened. Could I come and see you?
I could, yes. Now, straight away?
Right. Good. Thank you.
Goodbye, Bruzzie. Thank you very much.
Mrs. Pearce, I'm going along to the Home Office.
I do hope you find her, Colonel Pickering.
Mr. Higgins will miss her.
Mr. Higgins will miss her, eh? Blast Mr. Higgins, I'll miss her!
- Mrs. Pearce? - Yes, sir.
Where's the Colonel?
He's gone to the Home Office, sir.
There you are. I'm disturbed and he runs for help. Now there's a good fellow.
Mrs. Pearce, you're a woman.
"Why can't a woman be more like a man?
"Men are so decent Such regular chaps
"Ready to help you Through any mishaps
"Ready to buck you up Whenever you are glum
"Why can't a woman be a chum?
"Why is thinking Something women never do?
"And why is logic never even tried?
"Straightening up their hair Is all they ever do
"Why don't they straighten up The mess that's inside?
"Why can't a woman behave like a man?
"If I was a woman Who'd been to a ball
"Been hailed as a princess By one and by all
"Would I start weeping Like a bathtub overflowing?
"Or carry on as if my home were in a tree?
"Would I run off And never tell me where I'm going?
"Why can't a woman be like me?"
You mean that after you'd done this wonderful thing for them...
...without making a mistake...
...they just sat there and never said a word?
Never petted you, or admired you, or told you how splendid you'd been?
Not a word.
They just congratulated each other on how marvelous they'd been.
The next moment, how glad they were it was all over...
...and what a bore it had all been.
This is appalling. I should not have thrown my slippers at him.
I should have thrown the fire irons.
Who's that?
Henry. I knew it wouldn't be too long.
Now, remember...
...you not only danced with a prince last night, you behaved like a princess.
Mother, the most confounded thing... Do you...
You!
Good afternoon, Professor Higgins. Are you quite well?
Of course you are. You are never ill. Would you care for some tea?
Don't you dare try that game on me. I taught it to you.
Get up, come home and stop being a fool.
You've caused me enough trouble.
Very nicely put indeed, Henry. No woman could resist such an invitation.
How did this baggage get here?
Eliza came to see me this morning and I was delighted to have her.
If you don't promise to behave yourself I'll ask you to leave.
I'm to put on my Sunday manners for this...
...thing that I created out of the squashed cabbage leaves of Covent Garden?
That's precisely what I mean.
I'll see her damned first.
However did you learn good manners with my son around?
It was very difficult. I should never have known how ladies and gentlemen behave...
...if it hadn't been for Colonel Pickering.
He showed me that he felt and thought about me...
...as if I were something better than a common flower girl.
You see, Mrs. Higgins, apart from the things one can pick up...
...the difference between a lady and a flower girl isn't how she behaves...
...but how she is treated.
I'll always be a flower girl to Professor Higgins...
...because he always treats me as a flower girl and always will.
I'll always be a lady to Colonel Pickering...
...because he always treats me as a lady and always will.
Henry, don't grind your teeth.
The bishop is here. Shall I show him into the garden?
The bishop and the professor? Good heavens, no!
I should be excommunicated.
I'll see him in the library.
Eliza, if my son starts breaking up things...
...I give you full permission to have him evicted.
Henry, I suggest you stick to two subjects: The weather and your health.
You've had a bit of your own back, as you say.
Have you had enough and will you be reasonable or do you want any more?
You want me back to pick up your slippers...
...and put up with your tempers and fetch and carry for you.
I didn't say I wanted you back at all.
Then what are we talking about?
Well, about you, not about me.
If you come back you'll be treated as you always have.
I can't change my nature or my manners.
My manners are exactly the same as Colonel Pickering's.
That's not true. He treats a flower girl as if she were a duchess.
I treat a duchess as if she was a flower girl.
I see. The same to everybody.
The great secret is not a question of good manners...
...or bad manners or any particular sort of manner...
...but having the same manner for all human souls.
The question is not whether I treat you rudely...
...but whether you've ever heard me treat anyone else better.
I don't care how you treat me.
I don't mind your swearing at me. I shouldn't mind a black eye.
I've had one before this. But I won't be passed over!
Get out of my way, for I won't stop for you.
You talk about me as though I was a motorbus.
So you are a motorbus. All bounce and go and no consideration for anybody.
But I can get along without you. Don't you think I can't!
I know you can. I told you, you could.
You've never wondered, I suppose, whether...
...whether I could get along without you?
Don't you try to get around me. You'll have to.
So I can, without you or any soul on earth.
I shall miss you, Eliza. I've learned something from your idiotic notions.
I confess that humbly and gratefully.
Well, you have my voice on your gramophone.
When you feel lonely without me you can turn it on. It has no feelings to hurt.
Well, I can't turn your soul on.
You are a devil!
You can twist the heart in a girl just as easily...
...as some can twist her arms to hurt her.
What am I to come back for?
For the fun of it. That's why I took you on.
You may throw me out tomorrow if I don't do everything you want.
Yes. And you may walk out tomorrow if I don't do everything you want.
And live with my father?
Yes, or sell flowers. Would you rather marry Pickering?
I wouldn't marry you if you asked me and you're nearer my age then what he is.
- Than he is. - I'll talk as I like, you're not my teacher.
That's not what I want and don't you think it is.
I've always had chaps enough wanting me that way.
Freddy Hill writes me twice and three times a day. Sheets and sheets.
In short, you want me to be as infatuated about you as he is, is that it?
No, I don't. That's not the sort of feeling I want from you.
I want a little kindness.
I know I'm a common, ignorant girl, and you're a book-learned gentleman...
...but I'm not dirt under your feet.
What I done... what I did was not for the taxis and the dresses...
...but because we were pleasant together and I come to... came...
...to care for you.
Not to want you to make love to me...
...and not forgetting the difference between us, but...
...more friendly like.
Well, of course. That's how I feel.
And how Pickering feels. Eliza, you're a fool!
That's not the proper answer.
It's the only answer till you stop being an idiot.
To be a lady, you must stop feeling neglected...
...if men don't spend half their time sniveling over you...
...and the other half giving you black eyes.
You find me cold, unfeeling, selfish, don't you?
Off with you to the sort of people you like.
Marry a sentimental hog with lots of money...
...and thick lips to kiss you, and thick boots to kick you.
If you can't appreciate what you have, then get what you can appreciate.
I can't talk to you. You always turn everything against me.
I'm always in the wrong.
Don't be too sure you have me under your feet...
...to be trampled on and talked down.
I'll marry Freddy, I will, as soon as I'm able to support him.
The poor devil who couldn't get a job as an errand boy...
...even if he had the guts to try?
Don't you understand? I have made you a consort for a king!
Freddy loves me. That makes him king enough for me.
I don't want him to work. He wasn't brought up to do it as I was.
I'll go and be a teacher.
What'll you teach, in heaven's name?
What you taught me. I'll teach phonetics.
I'll offer myself as an assistant to that brilliant Hungarian.
What, that imposter? That humbug? That toadying ignoramus?
Teach him my methods, my discoveries?
You take one step in that direction, I'll wring your neck!
Wring away! What do I care? I knew you'd strike me one day.
That's done you, 'Enry 'lggins, it 'as.
Now, I don't care for your bullyin' an' your big talk.
"What a fool I was
"What a dominated fool
"To think you were the earth and sky
"What a fool I was
"What an addle-pated fool
"What a mutton-headed dolt was I
"No, my reverberating friend
"You are not the beginning and the end"
You impudent hussy!
There's not an idea in your head or a word in your mouth that I haven't put there.
"There'll be spring every year without you
"England still will be here without you
"There'll be fruit on the tree And a shore by the sea
"There'll be crumpets and tea without you
"Art and music will thrive without you
"Somehow Keats will survive without you
"And there still will be rain On that plain down in Spain
"Even that will remain without you
"I can do...
"...without you
"You, dear friend
"Who talk so well
"You can go to
"Hartford, Hereford and Hampshire
"They can still rule the land without you
"Windsor Castle will stand without you
"And without much ado We can all muddle through
"Without you!"
You brazen hussy!
"Without your pulling it the tide comes in
"Without your twirling it the earth can spin
"Without your pushing them the clouds roll by
"If they can do without you, Ducky, So can I
"I shall not feel alone without you
"I can stand on my own without you
"So go back in your shell I can do bloody well..."
"By George, I really did it I did it, I did it
"I said I'd make a woman and indeed I did
"I knew that I could do it I knew it, I knew it
"I said I'd make a woman and succeed I did"
Eliza, you're magnificent.
Five minutes ago you were a millstone around my neck...
...and now you're a tower of strength.
A consort battleship.
I like you this way.
Goodbye, Professor Higgins. You shall not be seeing me again.
Mother!
What is it, Henry? What's happened?
She's gone.
Well, of course, dear. What did you expect?
What am I to do?
Do without, I suppose.
And so I shall.
If the Higgins' oxygen burns up her little lungs...
...let her seek some stuffiness that suits her.
She's an owl sickened by a few days of my sunshine.
Let her go. I can do without her.
I can do without anyone. I have my own soul!
My own spark of divine fire!
Bravo, Eliza.
"Damn, damn, damn, damn
"I've grown accustomed to her face
"She almost makes the day begin
"I've grown accustomed to the tune That she whistles night and noon
"Her smiles, her frowns Her ups, her downs
"Are second nature to me now
"Like breathing out and breathing in
"I was serenely independent and content Before we met
"Surely I could always be that way again
"And yet I've grown Accustomed to her looks
"Accustomed to her voice
"Accustomed to her face"
Marry Freddy.
What an infantile idea. What a heartless, wicked, brainless thing to do.
But she'll regret it. She'll regret it.
It's doomed before they even take the vow!
"I can see her now Mrs. Freddy Eynsford-Hill
"In a wretched little flat above a store
"I can see her now, not a penny in the till
"And a bill collector beating at the door
"She'll try to teach the things I taught her
"And end up selling flowers instead
"Begging for her bread and water
"While her husband has his breakfast in bed
"In a year or so when she's prematurely gray
"And the blossom in her cheek has turned to chalk
"She'll come home and lo he'll have upped and run away
"With a social-climbing heiress from New York
"Poor Eliza
"How simply frightful
"How humiliating
"How delightful
"How poignant it will be On that inevitable night
"When she hammers on my door In tears and rags
"Miserable and lonely Repentant and contrite
"Will I take her in Or hurl her to the wolves?
"Give her kindness Or the treatment she deserves?
"Will I take her back Or throw the baggage out?
"Well, I'm a most forgiving man
"The sort who never could, ever would
"Take a position and staunchly never budge
"A most forgiving man
"But I shall never take her back
"If she were crawling on her knees
"Let her promise to atone Let her shiver, let her moan
"I'll slam the door And let the hellcat freeze"
Marry Freddy.
"But I'm so used to hear her say
"'Good morning' every day
"Her joys, her woes
"Her highs, her lows
"Are second nature to me now
"Like breathing out and breathing in
"I'm very grateful she's a woman And so easy to forget
"Rather like a habit one can always break
"And yet I've grown Accustomed to the trace
"Of something in the air
"Accustomed to her face"
Oh, we are proud. He ain't above givin' lessons, not 'im. I 'eard 'im say so.
I ain't come here to ask for any compliment...
... and if my money's not good enough, I can go elsewhere.
Good enough for what?
Good enough for you. Now you know, don't ya?
I'm come to 'ave lessons. And to pay for 'em, too...
... make no mistake.
What do you want, my girl?
I want to be a lady in a flow'r shop, 'stead o' sellin'...
... at the corner of Tottenham Court Road.
But they won't take me unless I can talk more genteel. He said he could teach me.
Well, 'ere I am ready to pay. Not askin' any favor, and he treats me as if I was dirt.
I know what lessons cost as well as you do and I'm ready to pay.
I won't give more than a shillin'. Take it or leave it.
It's almost irresistible. She's so deliciously low.
So horribly dirty. I'll take it.
I'll make a duchess of this draggle-tailed guttersnipe.
I washed my face and 'ands before I come, I did.
Where the devil are my slippers?
OCR by ShooCat stick_shoocat@hotmail.com